Facing the Biggest Scare of my Life (Part 1)

I had this lump in my left breast since I was in college, I can’t exactly remember how it started basta I  just felt in one day in our Biology class and I told my classmate-friend about it. At that time it was still small and movable. Besides, they say that it’s common for young women to have lumpy breasts so I didn’t bother about it and assumed that the lump is because of my skinny frame and will soon disappear on its own.

During that time also, I was afraid to go under the knife. Isipin ko pa lang that I will undergo surgery and stay in the hospital, di ko na maexplain ang feeling. Kinakabahan na ko,feeling ko hindi ako sa surgery mamamatay kundi sa nerbyos! Well,sino ba namang hindi kakabahan di ba? I was young and I don’t want to entertain any negative thoughts that time so I didn’t bother to have it checked and for the past years, I just continued to do self breast exam every now and then. Everything is normal, I didn’t feel any pain, my breasts looks normal, even when the time I got pregnant with Xian and I have some consultation with my OB, there is nothing unusual.  When I gave birth to Xian, I was able to breastfed him for a couple of months and there’s no complication or anything except for one thing, the lump is still there. 

Allan knew about the lump from the time we got married, since then lagi nya ko tinatanong kung may nararamdaman ako kakaiba which I will instantly answered with “none”.  I don’t want to elaborate our topic about it. Allergic ako dun. Call me a coward, but I’m really scared not for my own life but on the fact that I will die young and no one will take care of my boys especially my little Xian. Pano na si Xian,mag-school pa naman sya. I want to be  always on his side habang lumalaki sya. I want to be there on every family occasion. I want Xian to grow up with a complete and happy family. Whatever the future will bring, I just want to live my life one day at a time.I don’t want to destroy our happy moments by a single news that will change my life forever and that I will lose focus in life. Yes I know, illogical thinking but that time I think that’s the best thing to do.

With all the breast cancer awareness happening, I can’t help but think about my own lump again and again.  Recently someone I knew died because of breast cancer on her 30’s. Scary! I knew I really need to face my own fear as soon as possible. Few days after Allan left, I carefully checked my left breast in every details where the lump is located and I noticed that the lump somehow increased in size compare from before although it’s not painful. Pero di naman siguro nakakapagtaka na lumaki nga sya since it’s been 10 years already.It’s still palpable and movable and has smooth edge, just like a marble which fits to the description of a breast fibroadenoma. 

Fibroadenoma of the breast is a benign fibroepithelial tumor characterized by proliferation of both glandular and stromal elements. They are most common in young women in their 20s and 30s, but they may be found at any age.

They say that if it’s movable and smooth and moves freely within the breast tissue, it’s likely to be benign but of course, hindi lang naman yun yung basis.There is still a 3% chance at my age that it may be breast cancer. Better na macheck pa din.

So next thing I knew I was reading some online articles about breast lumps. There are instances that I landed on some Breast Cancer articles which made the feeling worst. Pakiramdam ko,every description fits me kahit hindi naman masyado. If the article mentioned that one of the symptoms of breast cancer is a throbbing pain near the armpit, all of a sudden parang bigla ko mafi-feel na sumasakit na din area na yun. Or I will examine both of my breast and feeling ko meron ulit lump thinking na baka cancerous na sya.Yung ganun. Paranoid to the highest level! Since I always think about it, I lost my appetite kahit yung favorite ko na crab dish ang hirap kaya kainin. I can’t function normally at work. Shopping doesn’t help. All I want to do is go home early to spend time with my Xian. There are times na magigising ako at night and then I will  call the husband overseas just to talk to him and Allan will patiently listen. I started thinking about the things I want to accomplish If were diagnosed with Breast Cancer. (you know sometimes I have the tendency to worry about things that have not happened yet! Pero can you blame me, kakapraning kaya lalo't lump sa breast.) O di ba, something is wrong within me talaga. That week became the longest 7 days of my life. I prayed to God, I prayed really hard. I told Him to give me more years to spend with my family, andami pa namin plans ni  Allan for our family, anliit pa ni Xian. I want him to grow up well. Pero pano ko masisiguro yun kung wala ako.

And then it dawned on me, Am I really going to die soon? 

I told some of the people close to me about what I’m going through. I texted my mom and sister if they knew any breast cancer related sickness in both of my mother and father’s side and thankfully, wala naman kahit isa. Sigh of relief. One down! Atleast I know that it’s not in the genes.

So my next plan is to schedule for a check up to have the lump check once and for all. But I was  thinking, my boys birthday is coming up. Allan on March 9 and Xian on March 25, and if worse comes to worst, what if hindi ok ang result? Ang pangit naman na pabirthday nun. Supposedly I want to visit the OB/Surgeon after my boys’ birthday kaso matagal pa masyado if I’m going to do it in April. Seems like I’m just prolonging the agony.

So I asked for advice from my family and they advised me to have it checked.I’m really thankful for having a loving and supportive family most especially my husband Allan. I know how much he loves me, I’ve seen and felt that for a lot of times but this is one of those times when I feel his enormous love for me to keep me going. He gave me the assurance and comforting words that we’d just wait for the findings and sonography result and whatever it was, we’d weather it together and we can surpass it because he knew deep inside that everything will be ok and with that, I so much believe in him.

 photo source: image from Google

 

The Week That Was

Hello there,I'm back from my 1 week blog hiatus.  

Grabe, I don't know where to start. But first and foremost, I would like to thank all of you for your encouraging words and prayers based from my previous post. I wasn't able to check my blog for the past few days and I'm really overwhelmed to read all of your inspiring messages. I am deeply touched,sobrang thank you sa inyong lahat! You know who you are girls, you became my support group here in blogger and that really helped a lot.

Opo ako na ang may pinagdaanan.

I had a minor surgical operation this morning  and was discharged from the hospital this afternoon din since it's only an out-patient procedure but my surgeon asked me to rest muna from work for the next few days for speedy recovery of my wound. (haha,I know you're wondering why I'm blogging right now.Promise madali lang 'to, sobrang atat lang to share the news and besides, blogging is kinda therapeutic) I just want to share the good news that I'm in good shape and I really have a lot of realizations from this experience although today is also one of the longest days of my life. I will share all about this thing on my upcoming posts and when I'm fully recovered. 

I will officially be back to work on Monday so medyo mahaba-haba ng konti ang bakasyon to spend with my Xian and to celebrate Daddy Allan's birthday this Friday, Now I can say that this month is indeed a happy birthday month for my boys! Stressful days are finally over.

God is really great,All the glory I bring back to Him.

  
So again, thank you so much. Love y'all! ♥

photo source: Image from Google

 

So Confused.

I've been feeling so down for the past few days hence the lack of posts and comments to my favorite blogger friends because of something which I cannot disclose for now. But despite of that, I still choose to stay positive because I believe that God  will never give us what we cannot bear.

Meron pang mas madaming tao na di hamak na mas mabigat ang pinagdadaanan kumpara sa sitwasyon ko.

I'm just grateful for having a loving,caring and supportive husband that despite the distance he still do things to comfort me and a very lovable and smart kid that never fails to make me smile every single moment and to keep me going. This is the kind of family I always dream of even when Allan and I are just starting way back.

God is good, if he brings me to it, he will see me through it because I have so much faith in Him.

On a positive note, I'm happy that it's March already! My boys birth month. I disregard the option of having a party for Xian this time, we will just simply celebrate it with family but I'll make sure the little man will have a lot of fun on his special day, same thing with hubby's birthday, since he's not here, kami na lang muna ni Xian magce-celebrate :)

I still have a lot of pending posts in my blog,andami ko kwento yet I don't have the willpower to do it just because I'm distracted.haaay!

Mommy blogger friends, please pray for me ha that whatever situation I'm in right now I'll be able to pass this mini bump. Thank you guys and God bless us all!

 photo source: Image from Google

Xian: Future Doctor or Teacher?

Here's just some of Xian's memorable antics when Allan is still here.

 Xian The Doctor

One night while we're getting ready for bedtime, Allan suddenly coughed then cleared his throat. 

Xian who's busy watching his fave cd looked at his dad and said like a reprimanding adult:

"daddy,yan uubo ka na, inom ka na gamot" then grabbed the bottle of cough syrup and didn't stop hangga't di nakakainom daddy nya.

After that he touched Allan's forehead with his little hand and said "okay,galing na!" then go back to what he's doing.

We we're startled. 2 years and 11 months ba talaga anak namin or 25 years old na nagpapanggap lang na bata? lol.

Pero nakahinga ako maluwag dun,atleast kampante ako that when Allan and I are old, may mag-aalaga samen dalawa.

Xian The Teacher

During Xian's aral time, we practice his cognitive skills on the wall charts in our room about shapes, colors, numbers etc..  We're really proud parents because Xian already knows his personal details like his full name,age,address,Allan and mine's name, same thing with Inay and tatay, his favorite food, favorite color so on and so forth (just in case somebody ask him about it.mala-slumbook lang.hehe) When it comes to his knowledge, he already knows the different animals and things, 6 basic shape, 6 basic color, basic opposites and knows how to count (minsan shortcut version nga lang!) and some other activities which later on will be tackled when he enter preschool.

On our shape learning session while daddy is listening to us.

Me: Xian what shape is this?

Xian:triangle.

Me: Very good! this one?

Xian: rectangle.

Me: eh eto?

Xian: circle

until he cited all of the remaining shapes correctly. Same thing with the opposite chart and color chart.

When we're finished with his short learning session,he looked at Allan and said "finished na ko aral.o daddy kaw naman! ok,what's this?" pointing to the chart.when Allan answered him, he told his dad "okay,very good!"

Xian really knows how to make us really happy and proud parents.

Love you so much,my little Allan kulit! Hopefully when you're older ganyan ka pa din samen ni daddy ha?

 

Buh-Bye Time Once Again

After Allan's 3 weeks vacation, he already left last Tuesday.

Few days before his departure, I always heard my two boys with this kind of conversation.Tipong may heart to heart session lang ang mag-ama ko.

Scenario: (Xian while sitting on daddy's lap)

Allan: lapit na ulit umalis si daddy,magwowork na ulit dun sa malayo.wag ka magka-cry ha? 

Xian: opo.

Allan: promise?

Xian: promise daddy!


Then the little man gave his dad his sweet assuring smile.

Just a little note about the past 3 weeks, everyday as soon as Xian woke up and di nya makita si Allan inside our room itatanong nya kagad saken "asan si daddy?" which I will answer with "andun sa ____ (kitchen/bathroom/garage/backyard)" and then the little man will immediately go there and greet his daddy with his charming "good morning smile". Once na makita na nya, buong giliw nyang babatiin ng "daddy!" then Allan will carry Xian and proceed to their early morning kulitan. Ganun sila mag-moment everyday. I'm thankful that I've got two sweet boys in my life.

They're always together for the past 3 weeks of hubby's vacay. Since I'm at work, everytime Allan will go to a certain place like when he went to LTO to renew his license,or during those times that hubby run errands or kahit simpleng trip to the grocery lang, Xian  always tag along with him then after that, Allan will bring the little man to Jollibee for Xian's dose of playtime or sometimes naman uwi sila ng bahay na may dalang new toy si Xian which the husband bought daw while they're at the mall.

Same thing goes whenever Xian will take a bath,choice nya magpaligo si daddy nya. Magpapatimpla ng milk in the wee hours of the morning, si daddy. Magbibihis sa kanya,si daddy. Papainom vitamins, si daddy pa din daw. In short,nagpapamper sya ng bongga sa tatay nya!

That's why I'm a bit bothered that time that Xian will become super attached to his dad and it will be difficult for us him to adjust once the husband goes back to his overseas work. Pang-MMK ang scene the last time na hinatid namin si hubby and I don't want the little man to experience it again,baka ma-trauma na sa sad airport scene. Kawawa naman.

The day of hubby's departure came and Xian is aware about it. Sabi nya,sasakay na daw daddy sa plane. We left early since Allan will drop by to POEA  first to get his Overseas Employment Certificate before we proceed to the airport. I noticed that Xian became extra clingy to his dad on that particular day. Lagot na! At POEA, Xian doesn't want to stay inside the car, so we accompanied hubby while he's processing his OEC.

@ POEA, pantanggal inip ng bagets.

After hubby's agenda at POEA we headed to the airport. We had our lunch there and while waiting for the time, my boys had their kulitan.

I'm a cry baby and you know those times that just by happily looking at them together eh nakakaiyak na? Xian's tita ninang asked the little man kung ano reaction nya pag umalis na daddy nya. Then my playful Xian showed a "fake crying face" with matching huhuhu to the delight of everyone.At san nya naman nakuha yun?

After staying at the airport's parking area for a couple of hours, it's time to go to NAIA's departure area.

before we go to departure area,oh kala ko ok na usapan nyo?

While we're at Terminal 1, that same old feeling hit me once again. I looked at Xian for his possible reaction, ni-ready ko na sarili ko for the little man's crying moments. Surprisingly,  he's composed.he's not crying and no sign that he's going to throw tantrums. Normal lang ang bagets. After he kissed his dad and said "ba-bye" he even managed to waved and said "ingat daddy.love you! ba-bye! " until the time the husband left and joined the crowd going to the departure area. 

 one last mag-ama moment @ the airport.their (temporary) goodbye kiss

Xian really kept his promise to his dad that he will not cry. How did my 2 years and 11 months old son managed to do that? I was astounded. That scene really touched my heart and when Xian saw me he said "mommy,don't cry na.stop na.." then wiped my cheeks with his towel.Kaloka lang,ako na pina-pacify ng anak ko ngayon! 

We should never underestimate the child's capacity to understand about the situation.

And yes,talking about son's word of honor to his dad. So proud of you,my little man!

 The C Family before Hubby's departure

(pasensya na sa background.lol)

We will see you in a couple of months,daddylove! We'll terribly miss you.We love you so much.much.much! ♥

Lunch @ Claw Daddy

During our Nuvali trip last Saturday, after fish feeding and boat ride, we had our lunch at Claw Daddy. If you've been reading my blog eversince, you'll know that I'm a seafood person. Crab, shrimp and squid can be part of my everyday meal and I won't get tired of it. Among them, crab is my all time favorite. That's why when the husband asked me where to eat, that restaurant is my first choice without blinking because just checking on their menu makes me drool already.

 Xian while checking on their menu. Ano gusto mo dyan,anak?

To start, we were first served three slices of corn on the cob as their complimentary food.

corn on the cob

Try not to dine in here when you're starving already because it took time for our food to be served. Hinuli pa daw kase yung crab eh.lol. But waiting is worth it naman because of their yummy dishes.

Here's what we had for lunch that made our tummy very happy,especially my tummy:

 BBQ Baby Back Ribs

Inay loved their Creamy Mashed Potato.

 Smoked Chicken BBQ

For crab dish, we ordered their Singaporean Chili Crab, that time the Middleweight crabs are not available so we settled for their Heavyweight crabs. Yum! Hello cholesterol :)

 Their version of the famous Singaporean Chili Crab

 

Yummy! The claw itself pa lang, ulam na.

For drinks, we had a pitcher of their Red Iced Tea.

our family's happy busog meal

Eating crab is not a messy experience here as they provide each diner with their own bib and a handy bucket right in the middle of the table to throw in cobs of corn and shell. Xian is not happy with the red bib and he didn't want to wear one.

 

We didn't consume them all especially the big serving of the crab since we're so full already,we were able to bring home our leftovers for take out! :)

Nuvali Saturday

We went to Nuvali last weekend since it's my dream (haha!) for Xian to see and experience feeding the famous koi fishes there and try his first boat ride. And eventhough it's a busy week for me because of the February 14 school activity and we still have office schedule last Saturday, buwis buhay akong umabsent and so far I'm still here at may trabaho pa naman ako.hihi.

Although I also love my work but family is still my top priority since weekend is very precious for us nowadays, eto na lang yung time to have some family day out.

Saturday came, Allan, Xian,me and Inay left our house at around 8:30 AM. Good thing that the weather is perfect that  morning kaso we encounter lang some minor glitch with directions after taking the Silangan exit and turn on the wrong route. Instead of turning right sa left kami napunta,well it's my fault since I insist that we turn left according to my instinct. (But my instinct fail that time. Bigla-bigla nang-iiwan sa ere. I was thinking karma ata 'to kase absent ako.di kaya?) Thank God that the husband "sensed" na wala atang pinapatunguhan pagdadrive nya and adding to that,that one person na napagtanungan namin di sya sure kase di daw sya taga-dun. Okay atleast we enjoyed the mini joy ride.

Fast forward na sa kwento,finally we reached Nuvali around 10:00 AM na ata.

Hello there!

Even though I've seen a lot of pictures of the koi,nakaka-starstruck pa din  ang mga isdang orange na 'to sa sobrang dami nila. 

Xian loves feeding them. He giggles everytime there's splashes of water generated by the koi.For the whole fish feeding experience,Allan and Xian bought 7-8 packs of the feeds and I think sa dami ng napakain ni bagets, close na sila ng mga fish. Kawawa lang tingnan mga fish everytime they went crazy fighting over the feeds pero in fairness mukhang masaya naman sila sa ginagawa nila :)

Here's some of my boys fish feeding moments.They're the Team White.lol.

Now here's the Team Violet:

me with Inay dear

Our day out is incomplete without some family snapshots.

 
After feeding the fish,  what else to do kundi Boat Ride! Allan bought our tickets and reserve the whole boat ride for our group for Php 180. we were assigned boat docking #20 (tama ba yung term?)  and that time nasa #15 pa lang yet Xian already wants to ride the boat. So while waiting for our turn and to entertain Xian, my two boys just engaged in their usual playful self.

daddy,habulin mo ko..

their "huli ka" kissing game.. Btw,can you spot Inay dear, inip na din sa boat ride.hihi.

Finally after 25 years, it's our turn! :)

mahangin talaga sa labas.

 

gusto nya solo lang nya yung upuan

Xian loved it when  the boat entered a tunnel under the bridge. There was also a time when he happily exclaimed "wow,mommy look flamingo!" We were shocked that at his age he already knows that kind of bird.

The water taxi ride took about 10 minutes to go around the lake which the little man enjoyed every minute.Feel na feel nya lang the whole time. With the boat's sudden turn before our boat ride end (pang-finale ba.. haha!) I looked at Xian to see his reaction and he said "mommy,di naman ako scared!"

moment lang..

After our boat ride,we had our lunch at Claw Daddy. I will publish a different post about it next time. For now I'll enjoy the rest of our precious days with my boys. This is our last weekend before Allan's flight.

Happy Weekend everyone!