Facing the Biggest Scare of my Life (Part 1)

I had this lump in my left breast since I was in college, I can’t exactly remember how it started basta I  just felt in one day in our Biology class and I told my classmate-friend about it. At that time it was still small and movable. Besides, they say that it’s common for young women to have lumpy breasts so I didn’t bother about it and assumed that the lump is because of my skinny frame and will soon disappear on its own.

During that time also, I was afraid to go under the knife. Isipin ko pa lang that I will undergo surgery and stay in the hospital, di ko na maexplain ang feeling. Kinakabahan na ko,feeling ko hindi ako sa surgery mamamatay kundi sa nerbyos! Well,sino ba namang hindi kakabahan di ba? I was young and I don’t want to entertain any negative thoughts that time so I didn’t bother to have it checked and for the past years, I just continued to do self breast exam every now and then. Everything is normal, I didn’t feel any pain, my breasts looks normal, even when the time I got pregnant with Xian and I have some consultation with my OB, there is nothing unusual.  When I gave birth to Xian, I was able to breastfed him for a couple of months and there’s no complication or anything except for one thing, the lump is still there. 

Allan knew about the lump from the time we got married, since then lagi nya ko tinatanong kung may nararamdaman ako kakaiba which I will instantly answered with “none”.  I don’t want to elaborate our topic about it. Allergic ako dun. Call me a coward, but I’m really scared not for my own life but on the fact that I will die young and no one will take care of my boys especially my little Xian. Pano na si Xian,mag-school pa naman sya. I want to be  always on his side habang lumalaki sya. I want to be there on every family occasion. I want Xian to grow up with a complete and happy family. Whatever the future will bring, I just want to live my life one day at a time.I don’t want to destroy our happy moments by a single news that will change my life forever and that I will lose focus in life. Yes I know, illogical thinking but that time I think that’s the best thing to do.

With all the breast cancer awareness happening, I can’t help but think about my own lump again and again.  Recently someone I knew died because of breast cancer on her 30’s. Scary! I knew I really need to face my own fear as soon as possible. Few days after Allan left, I carefully checked my left breast in every details where the lump is located and I noticed that the lump somehow increased in size compare from before although it’s not painful. Pero di naman siguro nakakapagtaka na lumaki nga sya since it’s been 10 years already.It’s still palpable and movable and has smooth edge, just like a marble which fits to the description of a breast fibroadenoma. 

Fibroadenoma of the breast is a benign fibroepithelial tumor characterized by proliferation of both glandular and stromal elements. They are most common in young women in their 20s and 30s, but they may be found at any age.

They say that if it’s movable and smooth and moves freely within the breast tissue, it’s likely to be benign but of course, hindi lang naman yun yung basis.There is still a 3% chance at my age that it may be breast cancer. Better na macheck pa din.

So next thing I knew I was reading some online articles about breast lumps. There are instances that I landed on some Breast Cancer articles which made the feeling worst. Pakiramdam ko,every description fits me kahit hindi naman masyado. If the article mentioned that one of the symptoms of breast cancer is a throbbing pain near the armpit, all of a sudden parang bigla ko mafi-feel na sumasakit na din area na yun. Or I will examine both of my breast and feeling ko meron ulit lump thinking na baka cancerous na sya.Yung ganun. Paranoid to the highest level! Since I always think about it, I lost my appetite kahit yung favorite ko na crab dish ang hirap kaya kainin. I can’t function normally at work. Shopping doesn’t help. All I want to do is go home early to spend time with my Xian. There are times na magigising ako at night and then I will  call the husband overseas just to talk to him and Allan will patiently listen. I started thinking about the things I want to accomplish If were diagnosed with Breast Cancer. (you know sometimes I have the tendency to worry about things that have not happened yet! Pero can you blame me, kakapraning kaya lalo't lump sa breast.) O di ba, something is wrong within me talaga. That week became the longest 7 days of my life. I prayed to God, I prayed really hard. I told Him to give me more years to spend with my family, andami pa namin plans ni  Allan for our family, anliit pa ni Xian. I want him to grow up well. Pero pano ko masisiguro yun kung wala ako.

And then it dawned on me, Am I really going to die soon? 

I told some of the people close to me about what I’m going through. I texted my mom and sister if they knew any breast cancer related sickness in both of my mother and father’s side and thankfully, wala naman kahit isa. Sigh of relief. One down! Atleast I know that it’s not in the genes.

So my next plan is to schedule for a check up to have the lump check once and for all. But I was  thinking, my boys birthday is coming up. Allan on March 9 and Xian on March 25, and if worse comes to worst, what if hindi ok ang result? Ang pangit naman na pabirthday nun. Supposedly I want to visit the OB/Surgeon after my boys’ birthday kaso matagal pa masyado if I’m going to do it in April. Seems like I’m just prolonging the agony.

So I asked for advice from my family and they advised me to have it checked.I’m really thankful for having a loving and supportive family most especially my husband Allan. I know how much he loves me, I’ve seen and felt that for a lot of times but this is one of those times when I feel his enormous love for me to keep me going. He gave me the assurance and comforting words that we’d just wait for the findings and sonography result and whatever it was, we’d weather it together and we can surpass it because he knew deep inside that everything will be ok and with that, I so much believe in him.

 photo source: image from Google